Beats, Baking, Bible Study, & Building...

I started my day off blasting music and baking. I love cooking (look at those confessions popping out again). I love to look up a recipe and edit it a little bit to make something. I love the creative element of it, and I love the reactions from others when it comes out good. I'm made some not so amazing concoctions but todays little project turned out pretty good apparently. I made Chocolate Chip Cheese Cake Cookie Bars... layer of chocolate chip cookie crust, homemade cheese cake filling, and chocolate chip cookie crumbles on top. It was fun to make especially while the beats blasted.... I like to dance (not very good) while I cook (oops another confession). I don't usuallyrandomly bake, today there was a purpose. I was baking for bible study. It was our last night of ourseries so we wereending with a little celebration. I love our bible study group. I've learnedand grown in this group and I've build stronger relationships with people. It's been awesome and I'm sad to see it end.

(AMAZING FRP cookies The ING made)

(Cheese Cake Creation)

After bible study my brothers and baby sister and I worked for 2.5 hours on putting together a picnic bench for PointKidsjr. Assembling a kids picnic table seemed like a pretty simple task... and there were four of us.... NOPE... crazy!!! The table almost flew out the window at one point but it's together! Check that one off the to-do list and throw it in the DONE pile! (THANK GOD!!!)

So todays life lesson... well first of all PEOPLE are far more important then things. Why did I make the cheese cake bars, because someone I really truly respect and admire enjoys cheese cake so I made them to bring an extra smile to their face. Why did my brothers and sister help me with the picnic table because I asked and because they knew it was for our church. Why did I insist it get done tonight, because I was determined to not disappoint the boss, who asked me to get it done (I was already behind on getting it done). PEOPLE are far more important then things, projects, time or anything else. I have been amazingly blessed with some great people in my life and I am so thankful for each and every person God has allowed to come through my life. My day off often helps me to remember that there are some pretty incredible people in my world. Today that list included.... my insane family who made the day all the more interesting, the AWESOME people at bible study who have sparked some learning and growth, the friends who sent me texts, emails and called me today to help me along the way even if it was something silly. So if you were part of that today... THANK YOU!!!!! =)

Meltdowns and Mammals

7:45 am this morning the question was asked.... how do you feel about the zoo? That's like asking a chocoholic if they'd like some chocolate... DUH... yeah!!!! No seriously though I love the "third grade" field trips, you know the aquarium,museums and zoo type of trips... yup a little bit of a closet nerd at times. =)

So Stacey, the woman I nanny for, the 2.5year old Liam, and the 2.5 month old Ari and I loaded in the SUV and followed gramma and grampa to the BRONX ZOO this morning. Dodging traffic and a few crazy NY drivers we got to the zoo with no issues.

Liam was stoked prob not near as much as I was but we were both pretty amped about seeing the Elephants. We soon found out that we would be going on a mono-rail ride and that increased our excitement from a 10 to a trillion. (WE LOVE TRAINS) We saw tons of animals, camels, monkeys, deer, lions, a panda koala, the elephants and a few others oh and a super cool show about a guy who's favorite bird was a bird that didn't fly but swam. Our favorite by far was the Elephants...."Kat look there's TWO elephants, Lette is and elephant just like them!"(in a super excited slightly squeeeekie kiddo voice)

Then there was lunch and a long walk back to the car to head home as we without a doubt skipped the whole nap thing. Yeah, so not the best idea ever but the zoo was well worth it! There were a few mini meltdowns and one really big one on the way back to the car. It started with a shoulder ride and ended with a littleboy crying because he had to sit in the stroller because he was hitting and pulling hair (my hear still hurts a little). So much fun though. =) Nap never happened but lots of bonding time for Liam, Ari and Kat wasa def must today! Liam and I played with a piggy back for like and hour while Ari hung out in his super cool baby seat. Liam attempted to eat me and Ari which resulted in having to put away our toy that we were enjoying playing with.... hate having to say no but sometimes the answers we get are not always what we want and we melt down a little.

All that story to say...

Meltdowns happen! They happen when you're 2.5 and someone tells you NO! And they happen when your in your 20s and you ask a question that you just get simply frustrated waiting for the answer to. They happen when the nannytells you you cannot pull her hair or hit her even though you're tired. And they happen when you just wanted to come home and relax but remember that you had stuff you had to get done. They happen when you get told you can't bite your baby brother. And they happen when you just wish something would happen a certain way and it doesn't. Meltdowns happen! We're human, we have emotions and sometimes our emotions get the best of us. Sometimes a conversation will spark tears. Sometimes a text will prompt unending laughter. Sometimes a note will make you feel on top of the world. Sometimes a moment will change how you feel. God created us with all of our emotions as crazy and intense as they maybe He chose to make us that way for a reason. I've tried to grasp this concept for the last few years but in the last few weeks/ months I have been learning A LOT. I have been hit with the realization that I am who I am and I need to be who I am. When I am an emotional hot mess I need to let that be who I am that day, and then pick up the pieces, wipe the tears, eat some ralphs or go to the batting cage and move on with life. I have been blessed with AMAZING people in my life who have helped me learn some of this but ultimately it comes from truly spending time with who made me and learning that HE loves me the way that I am and that I need to love me that way too, because if I don't get the factthat HE loves me down how can I ever let someone (anyone) else in? Lord help me to continue to grow and see myself how you see me!

FIND A HAPPY PLACE....

"Find a happy place, find a happy place, finda happy place!" (Peach from Finding Nemo) Yes, yes I did just quote a kids movie... and no, no there isn't any shame in my game on that one!

Today as I left work and my mind was completely flooded with thoughts I knew I needed to go find a happy place (or 2). So I headed for a local park that has a batting cage at it. Some times just swinging a bat at a few balls seems to help put things into perspective. The batting cage was close (thanks for that IRENE... you're the worst). So I made the choice to drive an extra 15 minutes away to a batting cage I was hoping would be open. SUCCESS... it was open! As I swung my bat at 36 balls I was slightlyimpressed with myself that I made contact on 32 out of the 36... yup only missed 4 balls... YEA BUDDY!!! Swinging my bat has always brought me some joy, it was always something I enjoyed doing for as long as I can remember. A bat or a ball in my hand always brought me joy. I wasn't ever really great like I could have played in college or anything but I always LOVED the game, and it always brought mesuch simple joy.It's also always been something that has helped me clear my mind even if it was just a little.

After the batting cage I headed back to the park to a place my pastor had taken our staff last year of a little staff prayer and a meeting. I remembered thinking to myself the day we went there, I should come back here and take some time alone sometime. Well today I did just that. I sat in a spot near the water and watched the sunset while I prayer and journaled. There have been a lot of thoughts circulating through my mind.A lot of thought provoking questions and just moments where I have needed to catch my breathe. Tonight those thoughts ranged from past, present, future and distant future. Life in general and the specific topics and situations and things that I have lived through or may eventually see happen in life. I without a doubt have some dreams for my personal future, some that terrify me and some that excite meand some that do both at the same time.

Life has without a doubt handed me some lemons but it doesn't occur to me to make lemon aid and not because I am not "Suzzie Homemaker" enough but because it would more quickly occur to me to pretend that they are a ball and wack the juice out of them. Not because I'm violent but simply because swinging my bat brings me joy.

Tonight though there was an unexpected happy place came from and unexpected... text message that caused me to think about something I don't really like to think about and I got VERY real... and slightly girly (as I sobbed a little) as I answered the text. But I became increasingly thankful for happy places... the physical ones and the ones that come through people who just genuinely care about me. I was feeling a little blah today but I can rest easy this evening knowing that there are places I can go to find solace and people I can be real with and feel safe (that lesson is a little hard to remember).

THANKS... pretty sure I am one of the most blessed people in the world when it comes to awesome people in my life!

9.5 and it still hurts...

Became pretty frustrated tonight. My thirteen year old baby sis/ mini me got upset and said it was because I don't spend time with her. REALLY kid?!?!?! Honestly 8 times out of 10 if I am going somewhere other then work I take her with me, so that couldn't be further from the truth. Sometimes though when we say one thing is bothering us rather then saying what is really bothering us. Sometimes the thing that is really bothering us is too hard to talk about so we blame something else. Sometimes we're embarrassed by what is affecting us so we say its something different. Sometimes we choke on the words and end up crying instead. Sometimes being 13 means being an emotional mess.

Tonight that's for sure what it meant! This kid makes me smile so much and I love her to pieces but some days she's a 13 year old HOT MESS!!!! Tonight however she brought me to tears. As she tried to figure out how to communicate what was wrong with her she cried which only made me want to cry even more. With tears in her eyes she told me the real reason she was upset.... (brace yourself and maybe grab a tissue)... she told me she was sad because she missed Grandma.

My grandmother died nine and a half years ago and it still hurts, I still miss her. You seemy grandmother was one of the most encouraging women in the world. She made me believe I could do ANYTHING. She taught me how to do things like, make a bed and put on lipstick. When I was little she would take me for walks in the park and just talk to me while we walked. She used to cook the best meatballs among other amazing things. She was the greatest grandmother and she made such a difference in my life. I know I would not be any where near the person I am today if I wasn't influenced by her. She believed in me and I always felt loved when she was around. My grandmother had a special way of making people feel valued... and motivating people to do what they need to or should be doing.

So tonight as I think back on amazing moments with my grandmother and the moments she inspired me to do greater I pray that God would flood the minds of my family members who still often miss here with great memories and our hearts with peace.

Puddles and Prayers...

My previous post was more of a recounting of the days events... this is more of a life lesson moment...

The day started out with Prayer at the Point, we had Saturday morning services instead of Sunday services because of Hurricane Irene who for some reason thought she could or would mess up this weekends church experience... NOPE... you picked the wrong Island for that. We won't be turned away by a little rain! =) It was such a cool experience to see people come to church on Saturday morning and change their plans so that they could experience what God had for themthis week. We took a little bit of a different approach in Point Kids, we had a Hurricane Happy Day... or a Super Silly Saturday which ever you prefer. We spent time just hanging out with each other playing games, bonding, and watching videos. As the children's pastor ofourAMAZING church I never want church be a place where kids dislike coming. I want our kids to know that church is a place they can come and have a good time bonding and learning about God. I love watching our kids interact with each other. They are the BESTkids in the world! They are the faces that keep me up at night and run through my mind all day long. They are the little hearts that break my heart and cause me to want to do something greater. They are the little hands that have left finger prints forever on my life (and once in a while on my clothing). They are the kids who I desire to see do big things for God, I fully believe they can and will CHANGE THE WORLD. I LOVE these kids they plague my thoughts and prayers and I wouldn't have it ANY other way!

Tonight in the spirit of being a CHILDREN's pastor I played in a puddle for a little while because... well because it seemed like a good idea! I was moving my car to a safer place so it doesn't get crushed by the massive tree outside of my house. On my way back into the house I accidently stepped into a massive puddle... not sure what came over me but I decided that playing in the puddles outside of my house was the best idea EVER!!!! So for like 20 minutes my little brother and baby sister and I played in a puddle like a couple of 4 year olds. It was so much fun! I don't really remember everything about being a little kid but I do remember it being fun and the puddlewas without a doubt AMAZING. It reminded me of what the Bible says about approaching God with child life faith. Kids are AWESOME, they believe for things that we adults would never think to believe in... I want that faith. I want that belief that God can and will do anything simply because He loves me and He's my best friend. The lessons I learn form kids are AMAZING... I love hearing them talk about God and the things they believe He can and will do. So tonight as I get ready to go to bed and this Hurricane nears my Island I pray, trust, and believe that GOD can and will take care of me and my loved ones, that He will keep us safe and that He will bring us peace in this crazy storm.

Super Silly Saturday

Today my AMAZING church did something "out of the box" and so crazy AWESOME! Our Pastor made a great choice and cancelled Sunday morning services, but the best part of that choice was to have service TODAY instead. Now normally Saturday is filled with PANCAKES and family time so this was a little bit out of the ordinary for us but... my whole family went to church together which doesn't always happen so that was awesome. Church was AMAZING! I know worship was AWESOME because I could hear it through the floor up in POINT KIDS. I'm confident the message was AMAZING b/c I know the ability of our lead pastor and because my family talked about it after church. But I really know POINT KIDS was tons of FUN... we without a doubt followed rule number four which is "HAVE FUN" we watched a video, played candyland bingo, had animal crackers and apple juice, and played a little dodge ball (with bean bags?!?!). Good times had by all! Some times we just have to let loose and just enjoy church being at church and having a HAPPY HURRICANE DAY!!! =) I really LOVE POINT KIDS... spending time with them makes life so much more amazing!

After church my family deemed it a GREAT idea to go SHOPPING... yup that's right SHOPPING the day before a HURRICANE is supposed to hit... YESSSSS!!!!! My family is AMAZING!!!!! So we hit the outlets where there were surprisingly a bunch of people out and about enjoying the day! A little bit of a Red Mango smoothie, some Old Navy, Christmas Tree Shop, and a Sports store... YUPPPP def a legit afternoon of wacky Woitko happenings! I got HURRICANE PJ pants to rock ALLL day tomorrow and a pretty AWESOME Tshirt.... (remember my confessions...not sure I mentioned this one but I LOVE to shop... and I don't care if that's girly).

Then we HURRICANE proofed out windows... I helped... so much fun playing with ducktape... hope it truly does FIX everything. After that I secured my car in the neighbor's driveway FAR away from the scary HUGE tree in front of our house (which i hope doesn't kill me in my sleep). Then SWEET HOME ALABAMA... oh and steak =)

Yupp all in all a pretty great pre- hurricane day of awesomeness.

So incredibly thankful for my church family and my biological family for making days like today even GREATER!!!!!

Friends, Food, Fav Animals, Fun, #FRP

So as everyone else went into hurricane mode a small group of friends and I headed to CONEY ISLAND. Sometimes we NYers forget the cool things that we have right around us. Like Long Islanders seldom think to head to the city for pretty much anything. And Upstate, why? I mean really within a few hours of our homes there are such great attractions that we over look. Today as my AMAZING friends and I spent time at the aquarium viewing some of our favorite animals, feast on some pretty good foodage, def fun and some FRP moments. (ok maybe not FRP esp when people crazily and willingly rhode on the Cycole)

But my thought at one point in the day was... wow, I've lived 20 minutes away from this place for pretty much my whole life and don't think I have ever been there more then on a grade school field trip. How have a let a place like this be over looked, and what else and I missing out on? Then I started to think about the people I was with for the day. Each one of them has made an impact in my life in some way. Some a little more then others but each of them have made a difference in my world.

- Gina amazing leader of the MIX (our church young adult group) has helped me to look at life just a little bit differently and appreciate the AMAZING things that God has blessed us with.

- Danny although my time with him has been limited has taught me that just because we're new friends doesn't mean we can't crack each other up. New is often really good!

- Jenn A has taught me that being a mom doesn't mean you can't still have fun with your friends and enjoy life in general.

- Brittany has taught me to look at life with a smile, which i sometimes forget to do.

- Josie has without a doubt shown me that no matter when you get there it's worth it when you are with people you love to be around.

- David has taught me a lot of lessons in the last 20 years but today he taught me that laughing at the pain helps dull it just a little. Oh and of course that PENGUINS are AMAZING... but I kind of already knew that one.

You see today I realized that my friends... new and old... may actually have been some "over looked" things in my life... so thank you Gina, Danny, Jenn A, Brittany, Josie and David for helping me learn a few lessons today and for being some pretty cool people.

Today was great... amazing FRIENDS, aight food, AWESOME fav animals, a ton of FUN and a little #FRP =)

Without a doubt a good day before IRENE ruins the weekend!

KEYSSSS......

Not the Florida Keys although that would be nice... eh maybe not I'm not a huge fan of the heat. (Oh A.D.D how you do me so wrong some times)

Today "Lynndric" (aka Lynn) and I went to have keys made for our new church offices. It was quite the adventure as it down poured on our little trip to the local locksmith. We picked out keys and got them copied and as we were looking at all the different types of keys thoughts flooded my mind. Such an mundane task but such a crazy reminder. (You're DYING to know aren't you???)

A few years ago for father's day (or maybe his birthday) I gave my father a key on a chain and wrote him a letter. Now although I tend to act tough and like I don't need him or anyone else at times I do... I actually love having the amazingly protective men that are in my life as a part of my life. Anyway... I gave my dad this key and a letter. The letter was filled with things like how much I love, respect and admire my daddy. My dad will always be a man whom I look up to and admire. Few people I know are as genuine and real as him. No he doesn't always get it right but that's partly why I appreciate him so much. He is who he is and I love him for that. In this letter that I wrote to my daddy I explained the key to him. I let my daddy know that he was the first man I ever loved and that I respect and admire him. It also let him know that at heart I am a traditional girl and the key was to represent the key to my heart. I gave my daddy a key that I fully expect someone to ask him for some day when the time is right. See my daddy has done his best all my life to look out for me and be there for me and I trust him and know that he loves me, so I gave him the "key to my heart" and someone is going to have to ask for that.

Why did I give the key to my daddy? Well, simply because my daddy loves me and he cares about the choices I make in life but more importantly because I was challenged by someone when I was a senior in high school to guard my heart and live with a passion for purity.. and to WAIT for God's best. Not gonna lie there were without a doubt moments where I was SOOOOOO not wanting to be on that waiting train but deep down I always knew that my youth pastor (who is now my boss and pastor) was right (shhhh don't tell him I admitted he knows what he's talking about...lol). So I wrote a list and began to pray... and then wait and wait and wait.... i'm not the most patient person and the waiting isn't so much fun... as I still wait and wait and wait but I know it will be more then worth it.

Why wait.... (here's a few reasons)

1- B/c it'll save you A LOT of heart ache. (or so it seems)

2- B/c you don't have to date just because people expect you to

3- B/c you don't have to date just because other people are dating

4- B/c at 17 I was not who I was 2 years later or even today

5- B/c I need to be a better me before I could be a good girlfriend... why should I expect Mr. Right if I am not willing to do my best to be Miss Right

6- B/c not everything socially acceptable is the right move in life

7- B/c my heart is worth protecting

8- B/c life is full of plenty of other complications

9- B/c "he" will be worth the wait

10- B/c I fully believe "he" was made just for me

11- B/c I am "his rib"

12- B/c HE's got a better plan then anything I would have come up with

13- B/c settling is NOT an option

14- B/c I am worth the wait (that one was a little hard to admit)

Yeah that about covers it... that's why I gave my daddy a key and why I am waiting. In the mean time Rebbeca St. James song "Wait For Me" and a journal have become great occupiers.

(A little encouragement to all my single friends... Waiting isn't too hard when you stay focused on WHO's you are rather than who's you'd like to be. Don't get swept up in the thought of maybe or what if... trust me I know that is easier said then done-- yeah I am that girly. But no seriously... I fully believe that for each person when you wait with the right attitude and motives then it will be worth it....not easy but worth it.)

Hide and Seek....

As a kid most of us played hide and seek... it was a game, not a way of life... but some people have made it a way of life. Often times we think we can hide who we truly are and who we wish we could be behind who we want others to think that we are. We can't hide behind the image of who we want people to think we are we have to be willing to be real. Being real takes a lot of guts though and I am increasingly thankful for those who are HONEST and REAL. Life isn't always easy and there are without a doubt moments that make life increasingly difficult, but our life situations should not determine who we truly are deep down inside. I frequently MESS UP like no bodiesbusiness, I FAIL more often then I would like to admit and I am CLEALY far from perfect. One thing I am trying really hard to learn is to stay real in the midst of the toughest of days. Some days are easier then others, but I don't always get it right.... thank GOD He doesn't expect me to be perfect... I'd never succeed at that. I am realizing though that I have lived parts of life playing hide and seek. Sometimes unaware of the fact that I was playing but sometimes without a doubt aware of the fact that I was hiding and hoping no one would bother to seek. See I had older brothers and sometimes when we played hide and seek they would neglect to come find me... not funny when you're 4 but what you look forward to someone not finding you when you're trying to hide the you that's scared to let others see your faults, failures and shortcomings.

So how do you go from willingly playing hide and seek to no longer playing? Great question... let me know when you figure it out... =)

Ha ha... no really... I think the first step... is figuring our WHO's you are rather than who you are. If you know WHO's you are the reality of anything else just seems so much less important. Knowing WHO created you and WHO loves you and WHO has a plan for your life makes resigning from the game of hide and seek a little easier. It won't be easy but it will be worth it... that pit that runs somewhere between yourbelly and your throat will start to fade and the fear of others seeing you for who you are will decrease. Yeah you may still struggle with it but it will get easier the more honest you get with yourself.

After all, God tends to reveal the things that need to be revealed to those who need to see and know them, so why not be a willing participant in that rather then playing a game of hide and seek.

Tea Time....

I have never enjoyed tea, I've always wanted to enjoy drinking a nice warm cup of tea. There was always something about it that made me feel like it would be such a great idea but I never developed the habit.

A few weeks ago our church participated in a street fair where my friend Gina and I connected with a woman who ran her own tea company. She convinced me to test out a tea and I had it once or twice and was like eh, I could take it or leave it. Tonight I brewed the tea and then came up to my room to just relax.

As I sipped my tea and spoke with a friend of mine I realized the tea habit wasn't the only thing that was beginning to change within me. I've been learning so much, growing, and changing... and well... it's been an adventure for sure. I'm learning a lot about myself and about people. I'm seeing that there is more worth in my life then I often understand. I'm realizing that people around me have, can and will make an impact in my life but that I need to be cautious with who I allow to be that influence. I'm learning a lot of different things and as I learn I am growing and changing. So my prayer today is... "God help me as I continue to learn to continue to grow and be open to what you have for my life."

All because I drank some tea and liked it... =)

Ladies & Gents....

So the last few weeks I've been getting schooled. I've been learning two crazy lessons that I didn't realize I needed to learn... but they have been helping me grow in some areas.

Lesson number ONE... it is more then ok to let guys be GENTLEMEN. It's ok to let a guy open a door for you and allow you to go first. It's more then ok to allow a guy to carry something heavy for you. It's more then ok to have guys in your life who look out for you in so many different ways. It's good to allow guys to be gentlemen. It's ok to want CHIVALRY to stay alive.

Lesson number TWO... its ok for girls to be girly. It's ok for tough girls to admit that they need help. It's ok for girls to cry when they are sad. It's ok for girls to just simply be girly with other girls. It's ok to admit that manicures and pedicures are an indulgence that you enjoy.

So essentially I have been learning a few lessons that I have known all my life but at times I need a refresher course in.

Over the last few weeks I have become increasingly thankful for the people in my life who are helping me to learn lessons like this whole Ladies & Gents situation. So friends and family... THANKS... thanks for helping me see things I needed to be reminded of.... oh and for pointing our silly things like the fact that Iam WAYYYY more girly then I like to let on!

DEKA TRIA

You ever have those moments in life where no matter what else happens you will remember exactly where you were and what you were doing when a certain thing happened? I'm not talking like Kennedy dying or 9/11... I'm talking like the first time you met someone or the first time you heard someone say I love you. Not a moment that people or life in general would remind you of often because it happens annually but something that a random Tuesday afternoon would make you think of or something like that.

I had a moment like that thirteen years ago. It was a seemingly regular day and then I met this amazing baby girl who FOREVER changed my world. Her bright blue eyes caught mine and I was instantly in love. Ten tiny fingers, ten itty bitty toes, beautiful eyes, a cute button nose, two ears, and skinny little lips... perfect in every way I could imagine. How could this tiny little thing steal my heart so quickly. As they laid her in my arms all I could think other then... dear Lord please don't let me drop her was... she's amazing! How could anyone not fall in love instantly with a kiddo like this?

Needless to say the day the mini me baby sis entered my world, my entire universe changed FOREVER! So glad God blessed my world with this kid... she def makes it a happier place!

So Happy DEKA TRIA birthday little buddy! (365 till you're 14)

Boxes....

Today two AMAZING guys stopped by and helped pack some boxes (NO I am not moving, we're relocating our offices). They put pretty much the last of things into some boxes and helped stack things a little neater so that the move will be easier.

People think I'm a little crazy (for a few reasons) but because I really LIKE to pack... and unpack. I love the thought of starting a new adventure, or having a fresh start. I rearrange my bedroom every few months just because I think change is good. I love getting rid of things that I don't need and displaying things differently. I've lived in my current room for a little over 2 years and I have rearranged at least 5 times. I love it! It makes like all the more interesting for me.

As we put things into boxes today I had some deep thoughts... I didn't share them but I thought about it... hence the blog...

I began to think about the things that we put in boxes, the stuff that we burry deep or we wrap in newspaper because we don't want them to be seen or get broken. You know the things that could be damaged or damaging to you. The stuff that you have written so boldly on the outside of the box "HANDLE WITH CARE" or "this end up." That hurt that you wrapped up and tucked away, they fear that you buried so deep thatyou almost forgot it existed. That dream or hope that you have been scared to talk about because you didn't want someone to call you out on it. That secret that you keep tucked among the packing peanuts. You know the stuff I'm talking about.

The thing is, all those boxes we packed do eventually have to be unpacked and organized in their new home. But what if I don't want to unpack that box?What if I'm not ready to organize that pile of stuff? What if I can't handle you seeing that thing I have tucked away for so long? What then? Can I just leave it in the box?

I guess I could but then I'd have half empty boxes laying around and the OCD in me would go CRAZY.... so how do I unpack those boxes that scare me to unload?

One step at a time, piece by piece, pile by pile, moment by moment... a little bit at once not too much that I get overwhelmed but just enough so I know it's safe.

As I unpack my "boxes" I know some people will ALWAYS be there with love, support, encouragement, and helping hands when I need it.

So tonight as I unpack a little at a time I just want to say thank you to those who have always let me unpack at my own pace.... you may not know it but that has meant the world to me.

DARK DAYYYYSSSSS......

Yesterday as the rain poured down and the clouds lingered like an unwanted visitor that you just have to embrace because there is no choice in the matter, I tried to smile anyway and make the most of a crummy situation. I feel like there have been a lot of moments in my life that I have had to do that... I call them "dark days."

There was a period of time in life where I just kind of shook my fist at the sky and screamed and thought... "REALLY, what else can go wrong, why not just kill me, oh yeah that would be too easy." (too honest?!?!) Life hands us some pretty messed up stuff sometimes... things we don't expect to happen come in and ruin our worlds. Some guy with issues rapes a girl, for whatever reason he wants to blame, maybe he was abused or he just needed to feel powerful, or she was asking for it. Your parents get sick or die and you're left thinking what am I going to do now? You end up a young parent because of a night that got a little too out of control. Your world falls apart piece by piece and you find yourself wonder how the heck this happened and how you are going to be able to pick up the pieces.

That whole when life hands you lemons make lemon aid things ALWAYS got on my nerves. Really you want me to make lemon aid out of this, my whole world just crumbled in front of my face and you want me to stinkin make lemon aid? That just seems so insane, and its rather annoying to hear. (again... too real?) So what do I know about this topic, both my parents are alive,I've got a great big family, amazing friends, a fantastic church, an awesome job, I've got my junk together (or so it looks like it). Believe me I have dealt with my share of trash... like a garbage truck mowing me over and hitting reverse a few times to make sure I got the message of hey there are things in life that are gonna be junkie. And I have the scars, memories, and emotional hurts to back that up. There are days when getting out of bed seems near unto impossible, moments where life just feels a little too much, and where my world just seem to be spinning out of control. Fortunately as I grow up and spend more time focusing on who's I am rather than who I am those Dark Days happen way less often.

But how do you step out of the darkness of a dark day and into a place where you can not just function but be happy? How do you go from being pretty much afraid of your own shadow to overcoming and at least making an attempt at smiling? How do you get to the point in life where you even want to move on?

For me it's been a challenge.... it hasn't been easy to stay positive and to not let the feeling of what the heck just happen over take me. I wish it was always sunny skies and rainbows and butterflies but more often then not the clouds come out and its gets gloomy. How do I push through????

1- My faith in God. I know that no matter what comes at me He's got me.

2- An amazing history to look back on and see God's faithfulness.

3- Crazy people who I share some DNA with (family).

4- A Pastor and his awesome family who have seen and prayed me through so many situations... even when I didn't know it.

5- Great people who I have crossed paths with like my OHANA.

6- I healthy understanding a rooting in the Word and what it says.

7- My AMAZING life long friends who without them ESP during the dark days I would be so lost... thanks for making me laugh and smile even in the worst moments (you guys should know who you are... some of you share some DNA with each other)

8- The great church I get to serve as a part of.

9- The awesome staff I get to work with who encourage me to be real and let me have the space to deal.

10- The honest belief that my latter will be greater than my past.

Yeah those are the 10 ways I deal with the Dark Days. Sometimes the gloom and clouds sort of over take me but I try real hard to stay focused on the list above and it usually pulls me out of my funk... all else fails... I grab a box of tissues and have a nice long girly cry.

(Too Honest?!?!?! OH WELLL!) =)

These are my Confessions.... =)

So my good friend Gina and I were talking on the phone the other night and I confessed something that for some reason I thought was slightly embarrassing... which prompted an hour long conversation.... LOVED chatting it up with my pal Gina... which prompted this blog post...

Here goes.....

1- I like getting my nails done.

2- I enjoy watching chick flicks.

3- Boys are cute.... even if I don't talk about them like that.

4- I wanna be a wife and mommy some day.

5- I like to cuddle.

6- I sleep with a teddy bear and a batman pillow.

7- I don't dislike pink as much as I let on that I do.

8- I've thought about silly things like who I marry and what the day will be like (but i'd totally be ok with eloping).

9- I cry a lot more then I like to admit.

10- Lifetime movies are actually ok by me.

11- I am way more sensitive then I like to let on.

12- I need to hear positive feed back (not sure if that's actually girly).

13- I've had embarrassing crushes... regular every day people and celebs... JTT much?!?!?

14- I'm pretty much a daddy's girl at heart... even if I try to hide it with my sarcastic comments.

15- I own make up and I wear it once in a while.

16- I like to go shopping.

17- Girl time is something I look forward to.

18- I like to read and write poetry and things like that.

19- I make 11:11 wishes... LOL =)

20- I like shoes!

21- I enjoy matching!

22- I like flowers but especially GERBER DASIES.

23- I want someone to chase my heart b/c I believe I deserve that.

24- I like my blue eyes and think they sparkle just right.

25- I'm not too girly to admit that I love my brothers who protect me.

26- I read People magazine sometimes.

27- Pictures of pretty girls make me feel a little insecure b/c after all I am a girl.

28- I like to doodle silly girly things like hearts, rainbows, and flowers.

29- I get excited when I get a text message from my friends.

30- I love getting my hair washed and then cut.

31- I probably wore a pillow case on my head as a veil at one point or another. (when i was like 4)

32- This list was pretty easy to make and it wasn't too bad to confess!

OK I think 32 is probably good enough for now... =) Just wanted to say thanks to my AMAZING friend Gina for encouraging me that being real is OK! Love ya Denim!!!! =)