Fears and Dreams....

So today Pastor Josh (our campus pastor at our Babylon site) and I were talking about this awesome group called... To Write On Her Arms With Love. As we talked about it I thought... wow... what an amazing group. Josh told me about this new part of their campaign that they are doing that's called Fears and Dreams. I had to of course look itup and check it out for myself. As I read some of the Fears and Dreams others had posted about I realized that Fears and Dreams are pretty normal to have. And thenmymind became FLOODED with thoughts, things I am terrified to admit scare me andthings I am mortified to say I dream of. Once you tell someone you dream of something its almost like a slap in the face if it doesn't happen or a huge let down... so its scary to admit your dreams. And its tough to admit your fears. But apparently the last few months of my life have been all about stretching and growing so here goes (three i'm willing to share)...

FEARS...

1- Being alone (in life... not ever getting married or having a family)

2- Loosing the people I love

3- Letting someone really love me (you know in that i wanna marry you way- you know like Corey and Tapanga... yeah I went there- got joke a little in the serious moment)

DREAMS...

1- To become a wife (seems a little contradictory b/c of my fears)

2- To be a mother and raise a family with a good God fearing husband

3- To live up to the potential that God sees in me (#FRP baby)

They may not be the worst fears in the world and they may not be the biggest dreams any one has ever dreamt but they're mine... and now they're out there on the internet for all to see.... wow... i guess thats not a fear!

As I sat and thought about fears and dreams today I realized that no matter what I fear my God is bigger and the same it true for even my craziest of dreams. But as I thought I was reminded of a night mare I used to have. Now if you know me really well this dream makes even more sense....

From the time I was five till I was probably like 21 I had this repeating nightmare. I was a child in feety pajamas and I was walking up the steps of the house I grew up in and all of the sudden these monsters started chasing me, they all had the same face and were really scary. I would run and run and run but I could never get away and the monster would always get me. I would wake up sweating and crying every time I had the dream which unfortunately happened often. It was so real and felt like it was actually happening... this brought about me often sleeping with a bat or some sort of object that could be used as a weapon incase the dream became a reality.

My senior year in bible college I had the same exact dream... it was terrifying... until the end. The end was different. I was still a little girl in feety pajamas being chased by scary monsters but just as they were about to attack me these men came out with lightsabers and swords and crazy weapons to protect me. I noticed some of the faces... guys I went to school with, pastors of mine, friends from childhood, my dad... these men attacked the monsters and defeated them. Then they each hugged me and one of them just stood right by my side and let me cry... his face was blurry but his eyes wereclear, they were warm and loving.

My point is... that nightmare had so much power in my life. I was terrified to close my eyes some nights. I didn't want to have that dream, it felt too real and it was scary. But the alternative ending dream... I'd love to have that one EVERY night. Thing is some times our fears get the best of us and we never realize that there could be something different and something better. We don't see that the best is yet to come and that there is so much more to live for. We get so caught up in the fears and allow them to become our reality that we miss out on ever even thinking about a dream.

Well... tonight... I'm gonna dream... I'm gonna lay my head on my pillow and believe God is going to allow me to dream some AMAZING dreams... not just the goals I have but the desires deep within my heart. I'm gonna believe... even if only for tonight that those dreams can and will become a reality. I'm gonna be more imaginative then Walt Disney because my maker made me with big eyes and a tender heart. And if for some reason tomorrow my fears drag me down one way or another, I'll have had tonight, but I pray that I will cling to those dreams and believe for the realities that can be.